The Painful Stories We Tell Ourselves

One of my stories is that nothing ever works out for me.

It’s been playing over and over in my head a lot lately. The voice has been getting louder and louder… especially over the past few years.

If I were to sit down and make a list of all the things that have worked out for me, I’m sure it would take a significant amount of time. It’s not lost on me that throughout my life I’ve achieved a lot and have been very successful. Intellectually I know that I’ve accomplished a lot. I recognize that I’ve had many incredible experiences and I’ve lived an amazing and fulfilling life on so many levels. But my story is that I can’t do anything right… nothing works out for me… why do I even bother. Blah, Blah, Blah!

Stories suck!

I KNOW that everything happens for us (and not to us)… I KNOW we create our own realities and circumstances… I KNOW our challenges help us to learn and grow and evolve… I KNOW the Universe has my back… I KNOW resisting only prolongs suffering… I KNOW in order to heal you need to FEEL YOUR PAIN and remove judgment of that pain or circumstance.

I KNOW DAMMIT!! 

Not only do I know it, I can coach this stuff for days! So what am I missing? What am I not seeing? What pain am I not getting with? What stories am I resisting letting go of? How are these shitty stories serving me right now?

I DON’T KNOW!!

Or at least I don’t know YET! I’m really tired. Some days all I want to do is stay in bed all day and hide from the world. Some days I feel sad. I feel gloomy. 

I'm working on surrendering. I’m working on feeling what needs to be felt. I'm working on acceptance. I’m working on trusting that I am exactly where I need to be right now… but in all honesty I'm so done with it. I’m done working on it! I know that emotional state of "being done with it" can be full of resistance and judgment. When you want something to be different than what it is, you're resisting (which is based in fear). I KNOW!

I know all the things intellectually... I KNOW!

So why does it feel like I’m missing something? It feels like 2 steps forward and three steps back.

Last week I wrote about the 4 Sacred Seasons which I learned from Dr John Amaral, and I’m definitely in the season of Discover. The healing modality I've I used in the past is called SRI (Somato Resiratory Integration) and the 12 Stages of Healing by Dr Donny Epstein. I also learned a lot about this work from Dr Amaral and it's extraordinary! It's helped me process a lot of my shit in the past, and stages 1 – 3 are directly related to the season of Discover.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to share all of this when I started writing, but I’m realizing that I need to make a commitment to practicing SRI again every single day.

It’s clear that if I’m in the season of Discover and I’m feeling stuck then there’s more for me to uncover and bring awareness to. Like I mentioned earlier, I don’t know what it is I’m missing YET! But it’s time for me to start digging in to uncover and acknowledge what's really going on.

So here’s the deal… starting TODAY Nov 4, 2020 I will commit to practicing SRI every single day for 60 days and see what comes up. By sharing this it will keep me accountable and I can continue to share my experience and my results.

If you’d like to learn more about SRI please feel free to reach out to me or check out the 12 Stages of Healing and the Workbook that goes with it by Dr Donny Epstein.

He also has a book called Healing Myths, Healing Magic: Breaking the Spell of Old Illusions; Reclaiming Our Power to Heal.

This network approach to wholeness has helped me so much in the past and it's the type of work I use as a coach with my clients. It’s time to jump back in and commit to using this healing modality for myself more consistently and see what I can shift.

"Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know" - Pema Chodron